Forgiveness
The names have been changed here to protect the privacy of the family.
I had been struggling to survive, with three little children all alone. Ron and I had finally divorced, but not because of my fear of him, but rather my fear of what he would do to the kids.
Then, I found out that he had remarried. That was the final betrayal, at least in my mind. I always believed, through the infidelity and abuse that Ron still loved me, and that somehow we would get back together. This was too much, and I decided that I would never forgive him for the things that he had done to me and to our marriage, and to our children.
I listened to the children crying when I told them that their father had remarried, and tried to answer their questions, and told them that he would always be their father. But, even knowing what the Bible says about unforgiveness, I decided that he didn't deserve to be forgiven. Besides, didn't I see with my own eyes that he was possessed by a demon? You don't forgive the devil.
Now that Ron found that he could not legally come over and beat me, he decided to abuse me through the court system. He had a lot of money at his disposal, and I did not, so he had the advantage.
He would take me into court for visitation issues, and sit very calm and cool and collected, and I was scared and nervous, and didn't know what to do or what to say. And he would win each time. I would tell the judge what he had threatened, to take my kids, and I would never see them again, but it made no difference. They told me that even if he were an ax murderer, he had a right to see his kids, and set it up so that he would have them for one month in the summer time. And it also made no difference that he refused to pay child support. The courts said that child support was a separate issue.
Each time that my children were to go down for their monthly visit, then I was not even allowed to go to the airport with them, and the kids were terrified.
But they always did come back, with a few seeds planted by their father. I tried to raise the kids to have a respect for God, and I didn't want them watching bad movies, or doing things that would be dangerous for them. When they would go down to Arizona with their father, he would tell them that all of the things that I told them were wrong, and that I was just trying to keep them in a bubble. He told them that they had to go out and live life, and experience it for themselves. (These were very young children, 7 - 9 years of age.)
Then he would tell them about his drug use, and describe what it was like to be on acid, and about some of the things that he had done in his parties. But of course, he told them that they should never do anything like that.
The kids came home from their visits, and they would tell me, "You tell us that this is bad, and Dad says that it is OK, so who are we going to believe." I could tell them to believe me, but the damage had been done, and the seeds of doubt and questioning of my authority as a parent had begun.
I started going into a little Foursquare Church, and had been watching the 700 Club for a while. One day when I was at work, God reminded me of the verses about forgiveness in the Bible, and I avoided that thought for a while, but after a couple of weeks, I decided that I mentally would forgive my ex. After all, forgiveness is a decision that you make, so I said to myself that I did forgive him.
Then I went into a Wednesday evening prayer meeting at church, and we were all taking turns praying. I was trying to think of what I could pray out loud and sound semi-holy. Any body been there? You try to think up this really cool prayer and have it all worked out... Anyway, when I opened my mouth, I started to thank God for helping me to forgive my ex, and at the same time these horrible feelings of hatred came over me. It swept over me just like a flood, and I didn't know what this was or why it was happening, because I thought that I had forgiven Ron.
The next day, I turned on the 700 Club, and they had a show about unforgiveness. I just sat there with my mouth open, and when Ben Kinchlow said "If you have a problem with unforgiveness, for heaven sakes please call...", I was ready to call the hot line prayer number. I dialed the number, and it was busy. "See, Lord, I can't get through," I said. And I really wanted to hear the rest of the show on the 700 Club. But God told me, no. He told me that I could finish the show, but then I needed to call that number again.
So when the show ended, I dialed the number again, and this time a man answered the phone. I tried to tell him my problem, and how I could not forgive my ex-husband.
The man on the other end of the phone told me that I COULD forgive, and that it is a choice. I knew that, and told him how I had tried to, and how that wave of hatred had swept over me. Suddenly something changed, and the man on the phone told me that an unforgiving spirit was a spirit, and then he started to pray and took authority over that spirit.
I started to cry, and when the man was done, I was sitting at the kitchen table with the phone in my hands, and a huge pool of tears in front of me, but I felt so much better, and I felt at peace.
The next day, I came home from work, and that peace and love so completely surrounded me, and I felt the presence of God so strongly. I had never known anything like this! Then I went into bed, and as I laid down on the bed, I felt something else bubbling up inside of me. I raised my hands up in the air, and started to laugh. I laughed for about an hour, and at one point, I wondered why I was laughing like that... Something inside of myself (the Holy Spirit) told me that I was just laughing because I was free.
Scriptures:
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
Matt. 6:12
For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matt. 6:14 & 15
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.
The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.
But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took [him] by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.
Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?
And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.
Mat. 18:21 - 35
Continued...
NEXTNewsletter
I have a newsletter that will keep you informed of new changes to this web site, and give special reports on new missions and evangelism outreaches. You can subscribe through the link below.